Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Oh No! Not Scottish Granny Jokes!

'Dree oot the inch as ye hae done the span' (endure until the end)

Scottish grannies have aye been guid at their sayings ...but just sometimes it's the wee yins that hae the last laugh. Here's a few of the very oldest jokes(jokes you say ?oh aye when yer 3 or 4 years old)- that went aroon' when I wis a bairn.

Granny tryin' to get wee Jeannie, aged five, to improve her coontin' .
Granny: 'An whit comes efter six, dear?'
Jeannie: 'Granny, how can ye be sae daft, it's the Scottish news!'

Granny to Rabbie, aged eight.
Granny: 'Whit wid ye like tae be when yer a' growed up?'
Rabbie: 'I'd fair like tae be a big Alsatian dug!'
Granny; 'Is that sae ye can scare a'body?'
Rabbie: 'Aye, Granny.'
Granny: 'E'en yer teacher Mrs McTavish?'
Rabbie: 'Aw, naw, Granny. Naethin', no e'en the deil, wid scare hur!'

Concerned Granny to nine year old Jimmy.
Granny: 'Jimmy? Wur the exam questions awfy hard?'
Jimmy: 'Naw, Granny, they were OK but the answers wur gye difficult.'

Granny was showing a photograph of herself as a young girl to her granddaughter, Marie.
Marie: 'When did ye turn intae anither person, Granny?'

'D'ye ken, Flora,' complained Granny. 'Ah've goat tae the stage whaur a' keep talkin' tae masel.'
Flora: 'Well, ye should jist switch aff yer hearin' aid, then.'

Granny complained to her granddaughter, Jeannie that she was getting old.
'It's okay, Granny,' said Jeannie, 'Ye jist need yer face ironed a wee bittie.'
Granny to Fiona, aged three. 'Fiona, ye shouldna eat aff yer knife!'
Fiona: 'But Granny, ma' fork leaks!'

Granny and grandson, Ruaridh, have been out shopping in the rain.
Granny sat down wearily and said: 'Ma knees are gettin' awfa stiff these days.'
Ruaridh: ' Nivver mind Granny. Mebbe it's jist rust wi a' the rain, Granny.'


  1. Nancy, these are hilarious. And I now know one thing FOR SURE! The next time I need a pair of eyes on my Scottish verbiage writing, I'm calling YOU! This was sooo cute! Cheers, my friend. And good job on the second day of posting!!

  2. Thanks AJ. Call me any time but remember all you get is my wee version.

  3. Too funny! It takes a bit to read, but the points are hilarious! Thanks for sharing your land with us, Nancy!

  4. Thanks, Calisa. Mair Scots ditties later!


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